Florida

It's time to rant again. The bitching will be about living in Florida. I moved here 4 years ago. At first, it was kind of scary. I grew up in a small town in Tennessee. So, moving here was a serious culture shock. I didn't realize that in order to function properly in South Florida you must be able to speak Spanish. How was I to know that I was moving to a foreign country? We must be the only country in the world that does not have a national language. That's right...The US has no national language. I'm sure this is so we don't offend any of our Non-English speaking residents. Being from a small southern town, I only knew 2 languages...English and Hick. Let me give some examples of hick words.

breetches-pants

holler-a small valley between mountains...the actual term is hollow

cuz-because..I know people type this way to shorten it but this is the actual way we spoke.

yer-your

bard-borrowed

thar-there...always goes with that...that thar skunk sure was mean

git-get...pronounced like bit only with a g

far-fire

member-remember

yur-you're

coon-raccoon

arenta-should not

Do ya git tha point?

I must admit that living here has made me somewhat bilingual. Presently, I am quite proficient at yelling profanity out my car window while driving alongside idiots This brings me to my major beef with Florida. How the hell can they let so many idiots on the road? When I went to get my Florida's driver's license, I spent almost 3 hour there with an appointment. While I was there, I saw all these virtual driving machines that reminded me of video games at the arcade. The funny thing was that no one was on any of them.Wouldn't you think that they would check to see if these people actually knew how to drive before they gave them a license to terrorize the rest of us? Why not take them out for a spin to see if they know what red means or what a turn signal is? I know that they spent enough time in there looking at all the rest of us pissed-off people.

In Florida, you can have you license renewed for the next million years without ever having to step into the DMV ever again. There is nothing scarier than seeing a huge Lincoln rolling down the street with a little puff of white hair barely showing over the steering wheel. I have seen people that have gotten their license renewed when they were blind. I don't mean legally blind. I mean 100% I can't see a fucking thing blind. Yep, I live in a state where turn signals mean "I just cut your ass off" The only time I see a turn signal is after the person has already merged. I know that I'm from a small town, but I thought the purpose was to let people know that you were changing lanes. I live in a state where a red light means pedal to the metal. It is a necessity in Florida that at least two cars must proceed after the light has turned red. The scariest thing about driving in Florida is I-95, our interstate. When driving this road, I feel like I'm in the amusement park having the bumper car ride of my life. I-95 does not mean that you must go 95 miles an hour while you are 2 inches from my bumper. This is the reason that brake-check was invented....Yes my brakes work, how about yours? All of these idiots are the reason that I've decided to get the biggest baddest car I can find..Cut me off and I'll make you into a speedbump. Ride my ass and you'll have earned yourself a new grill. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all take it into our own hands to show the idiot drivers that we're not going to take it anymore. There should be a national "Learn How To Drive Day" Anyone seen doing anything stupid on the road is free game. We can bump, push or ram their car just to give them a little heads up...Get your ass of the road! If only we lived in a perfect world.

One of the things that amazed me the most was the rudeness of the people around here. I'm accustomed to going thru a drive-thru and the person being friendly and cordial...Can I get you anything else?...Have a great day. The most pleasant thing I get is "that it?" I want to say "No. that's not it. Why don't you go get yourself an attitude check...you cock-smoker" If you don't know how to speak to the public then don't work with them. I really don't give a shit if you don't like you job. Go find a job away from the rest of the human race.

The main reason that people move here is for the weather. I don't know what the hell they are smokin'. I'm living in a fucking infero. All we get is hot, hotter and Holy Shit, my ass just melted to my car seat. I'm living in the world's largest pressure-cooker. I'm guessing that if you stick a fork in me, within a year, I'll be done. I much prefer feeling the changes in the seasons. It's summer all year long here. I miss the moist freshness of Spring, the cool crispness of Fall and the biting cold of Winter. No, there was no sexual connotation there...Well maybe a little.

Florida does have it's redeeming qualities. As stated earlier, I have become somewhat bilingual. I guess you could say that I'm broadening my cultural experiences. It's also nice to have anything you want within a five mile radius. I was used to driving 30 minutes just to get to a grocery store. The area does keep me entertained. There's always something to do. Still, I miss Tennessee.

GO VOLS!!!!